Self-care While Deconstructing from Evangelicalism and Christian Nationalism: Interview with Therapist, Morgan Piercy
Morgan Piercy, LPC, NCC, ACT-PT is a therapist in Olathe, Kansas at Deconstruction Counseling. Her mission is to help people design their most values-driven life after faith deconstruction, religious trauma, and/or spiritual abuse recovery. Her psychotherapy style is also completely neuroaffirming and LGBTQ+ affirming, and she loves working with ADHD, autism, anxiety, depression, and complex trauma.
Vijji:
What led you to this work of helping survivors deconstruct from Religious oppression and Christian Nationalism?
Morgan:
I grew up in the Christian school movement during the pre-MAGA enmeshment of church and state, and that upbringing really opened my eyes to the differences between the theology I was taught as a little kid and the theology I was taught during the Obama era. Themes of love, kindness, and sharing resources turned into themes of dominance, divisiveness, and hierarchy. Like many folks, COVID really exacerbated this feeling for me, as I saw a lot of people I deeply cared about get stuck in confirmation bias. The most pivotal moment was after January 6th, seeing the footage of wooden gallows next to people singing hymns, and the Jesus Saves sign in a crowd of people armed with Molotov cocktails and pepper spray. After that, I decided that I would rather go to hell than to be a pawn in this self-fabricated spiritual warfare. I just knew I had to leave evangelical culture to have the best quality of life I could.
Vijji:
Is self-care important for individuals who are deconstructing from toxic religion?
Morgan:
Absolutely yes! The two main categories I like to focus on for survivors of religious abuse, spiritual trauma, and religious narcissism are 1) grounding techniques and 2) self-discovery exercises. Many people who grew up conservative and/or evangelical Christian were taught that our emotions are unreliable, sinful, or “of the flesh,” and this teaches disembodiment. We were taught to mentally override what our nervous system was telling us, because our bodies, our flesh, are bad. Also, for those who were raised in the movement, we’ve been warned of invisible threats since before we can remember. With this type of religious trauma, it’s completely normal to feel like there’s a trap door into hell that could open for you at any moment! This is all a recipe for disconnection from the present moment, and so I like to encourage clients to notice the 5 senses in small, everyday ways.
When folks have been under the leadership of a high-control church or narcissistic pastor, they walk away with a lot of residual shame around rest, boundaries, and any sort of pleasure-seeking. Maybe you don’t feel ready to engage in self-care because it feels selfish… that’s okay, you don’t have to get there today! What if you just noticed what flavors of tea you love, or what textures of throw blankets are the most calming? Discovering your own likes and dislikes will help you slowly replace your cult identity with a more authentic-to-you one!
Vijji:
Do survivors of religious abuse, trauma, and oppression struggle with self-care?
Morgan:
Oh, of course! Even years after folks walk away from spiritual abuse, they can struggle with feeling unworthy, and this idea is foundational to many religions, by the way, not just evangelical Christianity and Christian nationalism. This is because the ideology molds you into a perfectly compliant little soldier in the army of God, and this view of self doesn’t leave much room for self-fulfillment, self-gratification, or whatever you want to call it. In fact, in many circles, those terms have inherently negative connotations. Self-care can be really villainized and reframed as selfish, especially for women and neurodivergents.
Vijji:
Are there specific religious teachings that discourage self-care?
Morgan:
Yes, thank you for asking this question! I always feel like I have to tread lightly when I critique specific teachings, because as a therapist, I don’t want to impose my own values or beliefs on others.
The first big one that comes to mind is the idea that your body is not your own, and I just have to call BS on that one. That teaching perpetuates rape culture and purity culture without proper education regarding consent is an absolute disaster.
The second biggest soapbox I have for this question is not really a specific doctrine per se, but more the church structures. Congregational churches (e.g., the Southern Baptist Church) can feel like a spiritual dictatorship or even a cult of personality. Many believers have a wonderful experience in these organizations, and I’m not here to bash anyone’s faith, purpose, or meaning in life (and there are many wonderful SBC pastors who are acknowledging the systemic racism and other injustices currently and historically perpetuated by the organization), but there has been SO MUCH abuse that I could not live with myself if I stayed silent on this issue. Pastors need accountability. Full stop.
The third biggest issue I see is the idea that “your heart is deceitful”. This opens the door for people to suppress their gut feelings, train themselves that their intuition is wrong, and stay silent in the face of abuse. Once again, these types of teachings disrupt our connection with our own minds and bodies, and ultimately lead to so much disempowerment.
Vijji:
Are there specific self-care tips you recommend for survivors who are actively deconstructing?
Morgan:
When you’re deconstructing, you’re not just leaving an ideology; you’re leaving a culture, a community, and a very clean, simple, pre-packaged sense of purpose. The easiest way to jumpstart uncovering your post-evangelical or post-MAGA identity is through hobbies. Maybe that sounds like a big commitment, yet another way of spending all that free time that you don’t have, too elusive, or something you’re just not ready for. That’s okay… start small. Join a Discord server with other people who discuss your favorite video game, or start a Pinterest board about cute craft projects. Side note, Grandma hobbies are fantastic for regulating your nervous system!
Organized religion taught us to put others first at all costs. If you’re struggling to rewrite this toxic narrative, you can try using a DBT skill called “Opposite Action” and intentionally carve out YOU time, even just for 15-20 minutes once a week.
Vijji:
Is psychological flexibility while deconstructing important? And do survivors of religious oppression struggle with psychological flexibility?
Morgan:
Yes and yes! Conservative Christianity and/or evangelical spaces espouse rigid systems, strict beliefs, and black-and-white thinking. How many times in church did you hear or have to repeat aloud that we should not “lean not on your own understanding”? We don’t have to think about everything for ourselves; God thinks for us, and then communicates that to leadership. How efficient, right? You follow exactly what authority says and live happily ever after. The end. It works, until it doesn’t.
For those of us who deconstructed, we pulled on that thread of doubt. Then everything fell apart, and here we are picking up the pieces.
So, a tad bit about me and my work, I’m a therapist in Kansas who is pretty obsessed with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. At the heart of Acceptance and Commitment therapy is the idea that psychological flexibility can reduce suffering. The goal of therapy is to help clients design their most values-driven life and to take committed action towards the things that matter most to them… not necessarily to think happy thoughts all the time and push problems away. This openness to bad emotions, and even welcoming them in, leads to a greater ability to adapt to what life throws your way, and eventually come to peace with the past.
Vijji:
How can a survivor of religious oppression achieve greater psychological flexibility?
Morgan:
Religious programming teaches us that thoughts can be sinful; you can sin just by having a thought! And personally, as an ACT therapist, I completely reject this idea. Thoughts are brain activity, and they can pop in randomly, meaning it isn’t necessarily a reflection of your values (in fact, if the thought is disturbing, it can even show you it goes against your values, but that’s a different conversation). I would challenge you to notice that you are having THAT thought again. If you’re alone, you can even say “I am having the thought that…” or “I notice I am having that thought again that…”. That takes the emotional power away from the thought and positions you as an observer of the thought. Just because you think something doesn’t make it true, and this technique gets us to the actual root of the issue. For example, saying “I notice I’m having that thought again that I could die at any time and go to hell” is a lot different than “I am going to hell”. It makes it more clear that the problem is the obsessive, ruminative THOUGHTS… and how frequently these thoughts impair your daily functioning… and how often they pop in there… rather than the actual content of the thought.
For those who are still practicing the religion they joined or grew up in, you may have been taught to pray instead of trusting yourself. This can lead to OCD-like symptoms and compulsive praying, especially if you were taught to “pray without ceasing”. If compulsive praying is eating up your time and getting in the way of you living life, check out the 15-minute rule for OCD. When you have a distressing thought and think, “I need God’s protection from this thought right away!”, you can challenge yourself to wait 15 minutes and then pray. Over time, you may find that your prayers are less frantic, anxious, and habitual… leaving room for you to actually connect with God in a more peaceful and intimate way. It’s tough at first, and with this trick, it typically gets worse before it gets better, but this is such a great strategy for retraining your brain and reclaiming that space in your mind.
Vijji:
Is it important to set boundaries with family while deconstructing?
Morgan:
Yes! Everyone’s situation is different, but generally, I have found that family of origin stuff plays a huge role in religious trauma. Setting boundaries is not about trying to influence their behavior; it’s about articulating expectations. So instead of “You can’t bring up Donald Trump at dinner anymore”, try “I’ve decided it’s not best for me to talk about politics with family anymore, can we talk about something else?” At the end of the day, we can’t control others’ behavior, only our own.
High-demand religions taught us that our purpose is to serve, and so it’s easy to feel like our value as human beings comes from what we give to others. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you can honor your father and mother while untangling yourself from family enmeshment. You can respect your parents and still break free from their religion.
Vijji:
How can a survivor of religious oppression set boundaries with family? And what can they do if their family doesn’t accept those boundaries?
Morgan:
Some of us were taught, whether directly or indirectly, that boundaries are unloving. However, the truth is that boundaries exist in every healthy relationship, and starting to implement them is a great way to restructure important relationships so that they truly last and feel sustainable for everyone involved.
“Boundaries” is such a buzzword, and I think it’s important to take a second and note that family estrangement is not the goal. Boundaries are self-advocacy tools, not emotional cutoffs. Emotional cutoff is often not the best route, and many people who choose to go no-contact with their families only do so after so much grief, frustration, heartbreak, and trying to make it work. There are various levels of limiting contact as well, like grey rocking or even yellow rocking. There are ways to find peace AND connection with healthy boundaries.
When you first try this mindset shift and self-advocate in your relationships, you might get some pushback or experience guilt-tripping. It might feel like your family member is doubling down on this bad behavior, and you’re moving backwards. However, these are just growing pains. Your new attitude doesn’t enable their bad habits anymore, and this is probably super uncomfortable for them. This doesn’t mean they’re a bad person, just that they are in this process of relearning, and it’s not exactly comfy for them at this moment.
Vijji:
Is there anything else you would like to share about self-care while deconstructing?
Morgan:
My view of accessible self-care is highly influenced by my work with chronic depression in the exvangelical community. No one can take care of you the way you can take care of yourself. After years of religious indoctrination, you might not feel like you deserve to be taken care of well. So start small. Self-care doesn’t have to be a big, consumerist display of bath bombs and scented candles. It can be a 20-minute walk around the block, washing your bedsheets, or drinking a glass of water.
Boring, I know. But doable. Even right now.
(Morgan Piercy, LPC, NCC, ACT-PT is currently taking clients in Kansas only. )
To learn more about my work, visit my website: survivingreligiousnarcissism.com